So I’ve been thinking about mindful eating.
And I’m working on it. Knowing when you’re full and knowing when you’re hungry as opposed to using food for other purposes and just eating when it’s time or eating when you feel sad or eating when yofu eel stressed etc. My friend had been feeling sick and hadn’t been able to keep uch down and the other night we went to dinner and she said she hadn’t felt FULL in so long it felt weird and I thought I hadn’t felt hungry, or happily full as opposed to stuffed, in a long time. I’m not even sure I know what hungry feels like. I know when I get past the point of hungry because I get cranky and irritable and nasty (this was easier to keep track of when I had the boyfriend in my life because he’d usually suggest we get food when Is tarted snipping at him. Now I have to figure it out alone) but a physical feeling of hunger? Nope. Doesn’t register for me.
I am so disconnected to my physical body. Which is ironic becuase I think about my physical existence frequently—I wrote my thesis about this disconnect (among other things). I find it amazing that people like me, people tryign to be healthy, so often write about, think about, talk about, their bodies as something to control or alter or something that is being bad instead of thinking of it as a whole picture (if that makes any sense). I think a lot of us are disconnected in different ways (I know I keep referencing that eating disorder seminar I went to but it really made me think). She talked about how many people have NO idea what hunger really feels like or what full feels like or have any idea what their bodies are telling them because food in our society isn’t about being full or not full. I was listening to the radio and a health guy said that you should think about going to the grocery store like it’s a pharmacy—shop for the right things not the tasty things…it was an interesting way to think about it.
Anyway I find that I depend on calorie counting, or timing my meals out perfectly because I have no idea what my body needs or wants or is telling me and I think the key to balanced, healthy, un-obsessive eating is going to come from that connection with my body, I’m just not sure how to go about finding it. I think I will continue to try to keep a regulated caloric schedule but also pay attention. For example, my work out this morning was really hard. I had mini-wheats and ½ cup of milk for breakfast with some coffee and I felt kind of uncomfortably hungry 15 minutes ago so I thought “is this stress?” and decided it probably wasn’t (although it may have been…I don’t know) and ate my packet of nuts and cranberries (210 calories but a filling 210.) And that’s ok because I worked out hard at 5 am and I can eat if I’m feeling hungry. If I get up at 4:30, I probably will feel some kind of hunger around 10:30 because I’ve been up for 6 hours.
I want and need to connect with my physicality. Through exercise, which is easier for me, and also through food. I think it will be a journey but I know it’s an important one and the sooner I begin, the sooner I get somewhere.
